Let Me Breathe
by Ayvee
Summary: Cal and Mare sleep together at the Notch another night but Cal's thoughts continue to eat at him. When he catches Mare reading more of Maven's left behind notes, it causes him to react a certain way and they argue. Cal's POV.


Author's Note: I was inspired by the song Wildfire by Jeremy Zucker.

* * *

We sleep together every night in the cavern we call the Notch. The older newbloods aren't fond of me but Mare still stays by my side. She told me she doesn't want any distractions but despite saying that, we still take physical comfort in each other at night. It's nothing more than lying next to each other consumed by our own sufferings. My heart aches to be closer to her but I have to push that feeling down for the sake of our situation.

It's another cold night, but my own body heat warms the room. My back faces the door and I hear the shift of a curtain being moved as Mare joins me again. I don't say anything to her as usual. I let her slide under the sheets and put her back to mine. I feel her trembling and I know it's not from the cold. She's reading the notes Maven leaves behind at every newblood's body when we're too late to save them. It sickens me. It sickens me as much as my own feelings at my monster of a brother. I want to save him as much as Mare does, but I feel helpless. I don't know what else we can do for him and it eats me up every night. Everything does. This pain won't go away. Tears well up in my eyes, and I'm aware she knows that I cry. Thankfully she doesn't say anything.

Tonight's going to be a rough night.

I shift in and out of consciousness, but I never face her. I never allow myself the luxury to hold her in my arms after the tragic events that happened. Minutes pass, turning into hours. Behind my vision swims images of my father's final moments and the hand that killed him. Mine. My father died by my own hand and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Images of Elara's cruel smile, Maven's detached expression, and Mare's expression at being betrayed run through my mind. I should have listened to Julian more, I should have paid attention to Sara Skonos all these years. Maybe I would have figured it out sooner. Maybe I could have avenged my mother, Coriane Jacos.

My own tears are not what wakes me up. I feel Mare shuddering behind me. Her own breath hitches as if she is sobbing, most likely from the letters received from Maven. It's frustrating that she can't get over him, like I am in the process of doing. I don't want her to cry but I don't know what to do, how to get her to stop. I remain still and wait it out for what feels like forever. The candle flickers and I know it's late in the night, probably around 2 AM. We never get enough sleep.

Her sobs grow deeper as seconds pass, and I try my best to ignore it and not let it get to me. The effect Maven had on her is truly astonishing and I feel a stab of jealousy. Suppressing my own feelings is all I've been doing since our time in the arena during our "execution." I understand that I'm a Scarlet Guard prisoner, but this isn't how a leader of the Rebellion should be letting her emotions affect her.

Abruptly, I sit up and run a hand stressfully through my hair. Mare startles at my being awake and attempts to hide the notes by shoving them underneath her side. She's trying to hide her sniffles now, and I sigh deeply, glancing towards her back.

Her hair is raggedy, form thinner than before when she was being well fed at the Palace of Summerton. I don't need to see her to know she's paler and carries bags of sleepless nights underneath her eyes. The scars on her neck peek out from below her hair. Every night, I try my best not to say anything to her, so she can get some sleep but it's growing increasingly difficult.

"Mare," I rumble. My voice is heavy and thick from lack of use. She stills. "Are you awake?"

"I'm awake," she whispers. We don't say anything for a few minutes.

The temperature in the room is warm and constant, thanks to me. I glance around at what little possessions we have. A lit candle, some clothing, a makeshift bed from stolen pillows and blankets.

I open my mouth and then shut it again, unsure of how to word this. Mare's been more on edge than any of us, and even the smallest of actions can spark something from her. I observe the shadows on the wall from the flickering flame. They move in a rhythm, almost hypnotizingly.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" My hands rest on top of the blanket, and I glance at my flamemaker bracelets beside me to make sure they're still there. They are.

She tries to adjust herself, possibly to conceal the evidence more. We don't miss hearing the rustle of paper and she knows I'm not that stupid. She certainly isn't, but she'll play dumb to the best of her ability to avoid this topic of Maven. "What are you talking about, Cal?" I hear the edge in her tone. She's uncomfortable.

"The letters, Mare. The notes he leaves behind just for you at every failed mission we go on."

"He doesn't leave anything behind for me," she replies, sharply. I realize she's on full alert mode now, and I feel exasperated. I have to pick my battles carefully, which topics to pursue and which ones to drop. I look at her and she refuses to face me. This is too important to drop. I'll think of this as me, a general, helping an upcoming leader address their emotional problems.

"Is that why you have a pile of his letters on your side?" She tenses up. I reach for her shoulder to turn her towards me, but she pulls further away. "I'm only trying to help you."

"I don't need help." Great, now she sounds like a deranged person. If this were normal circumstances, I'd have asked Julian to assess her mental health for me.

The candle flickers. "You can't keep allowing Maven to get to you every night. You never get enough rest from reading his letters. He's just toying with you now. He's doing this on purpose to weaken you. You need to be stronger than this."

"You're one to talk, Cal. Don't think I can't hear you crying some nights. We all have our dark moments."

"Not if I can't help it," I growl. I reach underneath to pull the letters out from under her and she twists around faster than I could imagine at this time of night, gripping the letters tightly in her hand. It's all crumpled up now, and we're finally face to face. Her eyes are swollen from crying earlier and there's an empty look on her face. Mare's brows are set in defiance. My own eyes are wide in shock at how defensively she reacted to me trying to take the letters from her.

We stare each other down, neither of us relenting.

"Do you really think this is helping?" I snap. My patience is wearing thin from the urgency of gathering newbloods to what little time I have to train them for this war we are largely unprepared for. "We have a _small army_ of fresh newbloods to train, Mare. I don't think you understand what little time we have to prepare them."

Her empty expression shifts in irritation. "I am fully aware of what little time we have. I'm the one rushing us to gather them all. I go on each and every mission to bring them back. I'm the one who finds them." Mare's gaze falls to the ground as she recalls the images of dead newbloods and I feel sympathy for her. It's not easy. It's not fun feeling like you're directly responsible for their lives, knowing that you are the only person who can save them from a power-hungry king, and maybe even themselves. I've had enough experience in the frontlines of the Choke to know the guilt weighs heavy on my own heart, sending soldiers in and signing their names off on appreciation letters to their families.

My tone drops. "I don't think it's in your best interest to go on these missions anymore."

Mare glares at me, accusingly. "Then who else will go? Kilorn? Do you think he really stands a chance sneaking into places, with what little he knows about Silvers?"

"I don't think you give your friend enough credit."

Scoffing, she places the crumpled ball of notes onto the ground behind her. My eyes stray toward it, resisting the temptation to burn them to ashes. I continue speaking. "We have Farley, we have Ada, Kilorn, Shade, me. Each of us are well equipped to track down these newbloods. You need to put more faith in us and not push everybody away."

She slumps against the cave wall. I've never seen her so defeated and this war has barely begun. "It's just… I know he's not going to stop until I give him what he wants most."

"He already has the crown," I remark, bitterly. "He has what he and his psychotic mother have worked so hard for."

Mare shakes her head slowly. "He won't stop until he has me."

Anger flares up inside of me at her statement because there's an undeniable truth to it. It wouldn't be unlike Maven to want Mare, the girl who initially chose him over me. I remember their exchanging of words during our execution. I couldn't understand it at the time, but maybe a small part of my brother really did hold feelings for Mare. He wanted to make her his Red queen, something unheard of. I was clueless, and I still don't know what moments they could have shared at the palace, just the two of them.

"He can't," I grit out, through clenched teeth. He can't have Mare, not the way he is. He would kill her. Elara would personally see to it.

"This is why I have to be the one who goes on these missions."

"No," I start. The temperature rises a little. "This is exactly why you shouldn't go."

Mare fixes me with a steely gaze. "You have no authority over me, Calore. I know Maven. Let me be the one who protects us in case things go wrong."

"He used you," I stress. "How well do you really know him? Ask yourself that. He was my brother once too, Mare. We grew up together."

Her tone is grim. "How well can you say you know him if you weren't there, if you didn't know he would become like this?"

That question stings, and I ask myself that every single night. How can I really say I know my own brother? Sure, we shared the same father but unlike him, I never had to spend much time with Elara. I wasn't forced to. Never once did I think to consider his own mother using her power as a Whisper to mold him into something he didn't want to be. It hurts thinking that I could have done something all these years. Sometimes I think I know who Mavey is, but then I wonder if it's who I thought he could become. Tears prick my eyes and my hands curl into fists. I look away from Mare, at the wall in front of me.

"Losing my brother hurts," I confide. I've never chosen to speak about this with Mare. I never wanted to distract her with talk of Maven when we had more important goals to discuss. Instead, we spent our nights alone with our own thoughts and sufferings. But tonight, I need to speak. I need her to hear me. Emotions burn inside of me and can't find a place to settle.

"You act like you're the only one who's affected by Maven. Did you forget that before you I had a _life_? All I knew was the war, Silvers and Reds, and being a prince to a king." The room is stiflingly hot, and sweat beads gather on Mare's forehead. My voice rises. "Have you forgotten my own scarring moments? The moment where I killed my own father with my own hands? Or were you too wrapped up in your own selfish thoughts about being used by Maven?

"I've lived my entire life believing Maven was to be my greatest advisor. You are not the only person betrayed deeply by him, Mare. He was my brother. He was my blood." Heat courses through my body and the need to release tempts me, but I hold back. "I have nobody. I am alone. I am a prisoner to your guys' cause. I have no home to turn to, I have no more family. Hell, I don't even know where Julian is, if he's even alive or not!" I slam my fist against the cave wall, creating a cracked indentation and dust rises around us for a moment. I breathe heavily to push down the anger. Mare doesn't even flinch.

Rising to my feet, I pace along the room with what little space we have. I feel like a teacher disciplining one of my students. "I'm aware that I wasn't fully there growing up with him. It's my fault. It is all my fault. My father stuck me in Training for hours and I had to study military strategies and battle methods all day long. I lived and breathed as a king-to-be. And Maven was forced to be with his mother and her cruel parenting methods. She was horrible. And I can't go back in time to save him, Mare." My voice cracks. "I don't know what I did to deserve this." Placing my hands over my face, I lean against the wall in defeat.

It's quiet for a moment. Unexpectedly, I feel Mare's small hands pull my own down. She has tears in her eyes, and the image of her is blurry as my own take over. Dropping my head down against her shoulders, I wrap my arms around her to comfort myself. For as much betrayal as we've gone through, she is the only person who was there to witness it with me. Part of me is angry at her for stepping into my life and changing it, but another part of me still holds feelings for this lightning girl. I don't know how to feel anymore. Did I lose that part of me?

"I am nobody," I whisper against her shoulder.

"You're not," she says. "You are somebody to me."

"Is that why we agreed on no distractions?"

Mare pulls away to look at me. Her expression is resolute. "We agreed to no distractions because we can't risk losing more people."

I nod vacantly. She wavers, worry crossing her expression for a second. I drop my arms and lean against the wall. "I understand. I have no more people left to lose."

"Cal."

Shaking my head slowly, I feel like we've switched places. Exhaustion takes hold of me, and the room is now suffocating. I need fresh air.

She frowns. "I'm still here."

"It doesn't feel like it."

Exasperated, she hits my arm, but I don't feel much of anything. I look at her and think nothing. I feel like I've truly lost everything in this moment. Turning towards the door, I take a step to leave the room. Mare steps in front of me, blocking my way.

"Wait," she pleads. She grabs hold of my arms to keep me in place. Her eyes are begging to say something, but her mouth holds firmly shut. "Where are you going?"

I shrug. "Outside. I need to be alone right now."

Hurt flashes across her face but she quickly neutralizes her expression. "I still care about you." Leaning forward slowly, she gauges my reaction to her closeness. I don't budge. Giving me a kiss on the cheek, she pulls away. "Things are complicated right now."

It's a small comfort but only temporary. I pull my arms away from her. "I need to go."

"It's late. It's dark. You should stay inside and rest for tomorrow." Mare places a hand on my arm when I try to pass her. "We need you to be well rested if you're going to be going on missions."

I pull roughly away. "Please, just let me breathe."

Cold air rushes into the room, taking most of the warmth from it as I leave Mare behind with her notes of Maven.


End file.
